Thread: any words of wisdom please?

hallo lovelies, this is about as off topic as off topic gets but i was wondering if someone could help...my partner and i have between us five children all living with us, my two daughters from a previous relationship, his daughter from a previous relationship and our two loovely little ones.

the littleones are 2 and 1 and about as much stress as you can imagine they would be, my two girls are 16 and 13 and i can honestly say hardlyput a toe out ofline (strict mammy i am!) but my stepdaughter is an absolute nightmare, she has been from the word go and has causedall sorts of family problems within our extended families and has me reduced to almost a nervous breakdown for the third time...she is 15 and lurches from one drama to the next, self-harm, suicide attempts, bad school reports, bad behaviour, lies, attitude, she has been known in the past to have been involved with drink and boys at the tender age of 13...she hates me and i am none too fond of her to be brutallyhonest. i have always done my best by all ur chioldren but i dont know how much longer i can go on getting treated like a punchbag...

ok so on the surface guys it looks like its just teenstuff blah blah blah, but there is alot of underlying problems with her past (her natural mam is alcoholic and abusive etc etc) so yeah i do get that she is messed up and i have spent the last three years trying my damndest to help her out only to be crapped on at each opportunity...its now at the point where family psychiatry is getting involved because its impacting so heavily on the whole family...

it always seems to be about her all the time and the other kids are so great they just get on with things...we tryso hard to make a big fuss of the others as they contribute so much positivity to the household...whereas my stepdaughter is justlike a dementor from the harry potter films, the atmosphere in the housevisibly deteriorates as soon as she walks in...nobody is comfortable and i cant relax and be myself as im always looking over my blooming shoulder...

i knowthere isnt a quick fix answer to this ...i am at the point of just jacking everything in as there doesnt seem any way out..you can only go on for so long...mypartner is really great and everything in our relationship is perfect bar this one area...he is at his wits end too but seems to be able to not take it personally and to be honest she never has a go at himanyway...its always me...ive been on antidepressants for over a year and am now at the maximum dose that i can take...not really sure what the next step is......

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Hi hunny,
what an awful situation. So sorry to hear how difficult it is for you.
I am not a parent but the one thing I have taken from what you have written is that she is clearly very unhappy. Teenage girls can be little s**ts (I know I was!) but her situation sounds more serious than your usual teen bolshiness.
It sounds like she feels pretty alone in the world. A lot of step children feel pretty crummy when their parents get new partners and even worse if they go on to have kids together. You say your younger children are one and two years old - that sort of age group must need lots and lots of attention and I bet they have also had a lot of fuss and cuddles from grandparents, aunties and other extended family. Maybe all this is making your stepdaughter feel pushed out? You mentioned that around two years ago she started drinking and messing around with boys, it must have been about the same sort of time you had your first child with your new partner - could the two be related?

It sounds like your girls are coping but obviously they have had a different upbringing to your stepdaughter whose natural mother doesn't sound like the most supportive person. In a way, your stepdaughter is alone in the family. Your daughters have eachother and you, you have your older daughters, your two younger children and your partner to love, your partner has you, your step daughter and the two little ones but she only really has her dad to turn to and now his attention is divided (probably quite a lot with two under 5s in the house and two step kids).

Maybe it's worth setting apart a little time just you and your step daughter. I can understand that at first she might not want to but if you keep gently offering maybe she will come round. You need to show her that she is just as important in the family as your natural children, especially the two younger ones as so many kids feel that siblings who belong to both parents get favoured AND children that young will naturally take up so much of your attention. You need to show her that you love her, not just as part of the 'better or worse' that came with your partner but as a person in her own right.

This is just my suggestion and it is quite possible that you might do all this stuff (or be doing it already) and she might still be a pain in the butt (and worse) but remember that you are the adult and you (along with your partner) got to choose (to an extent) your home setup. You got to choose to be with eachother and you, as a couple, got to choose whether or not to bring more children into the family. Your stepdaughter and your older two girls did not get to choose the situation and while that is not something you should feel bad about (it's just the way it is) it is important to try and empathise with how impotent that can make a person feel if the situation is not one they like.

The other thing is, is it worth trying to encourage your step daughter to bond with your two older girls. If she feels she has allies in the house perhaps she will play up less because she will feel she has someone to bitch to. When my parents drove me mad sometimes my sister would bitch with me and sometimes she would not hear it at all. When she joined in with me I felt I had a friend who understood me and I felt supported, when she didn't I felt alone. If she starts to view her step sisters as 'sisters' in the real sense of the word it might help.

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble. I am not in any position to give advice except for what I would want someone to do for me in that situation - I always had a strange attitude to family as a kid (and even now really) my biggest fear as a child was my parents having another baby - I dreaded it! This was followed by the fear of them divorcing (they never have - it was just kid paranoia), I think my head would have exploded if they had got divorced AND had kids with their new partners - that would have been a nigtmare come true for me! I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn, I just thought I would put my thoughts in. I know I don't know your whole situation but I really feel for you and hope you can get to a happier place for all of you.

thank you emerald for your reply,
in essence we have covered pretty much allof what you suggested...she actually did get the choice as to whether she cameto live with me and dador whether she wanted to stay with his expartner(not birth mum) and she chose to come with dad.
she then changed her mind amid a flurry of turmoil and upset and ended up back with her old stepmum, when she started with the drink and boys etc, her behaviour etc was too much and she was then punted back to us...
its been so bloody difficult for her and we have tried so hard to help, she actually comes out and says she doesnt want to be happy and enjoys the upset etc...i just dont get it...
she has even caused a major rift between my partners family and him and they dont talk nowat all...only my stepdaughter gets stuff at xmas and birthdays the rest of us dont even merit a card...
we dont have any family near us for support etc so its just us as a unit, the oldergirls have tried so hard but its like she doesn't want to be included, she goes out of her way to stay isolated from the family and doesnt attempt to interact no matter what we do...she has madeit plain that she doesnt want to be here and cant wait to move out, even requesting to be put in care...


thanks again for your input emerald it helps just to know that there are folk that give a damn,.xxx

To quote Zoe "EastEnders" Slater: "You're not my mavva!" Sadly for you, your only solution would be to ditch her father...

Hi dear,

I can´t think of any other solution but to recommend you to visit Bert Hellinger International - Das virtuelle Bert Hellinger Institut and try to get a practitioner of Family constelations... If anything will help you deeply and for the rest of your life, than that's it!

Hugs

Keti Kit

Hi dear,

I can´t think of any other solution but to recommend you to visit Bert Hellinger International - Das virtuelle Bert Hellinger Institut and try to get a practitioner of Family Constellations... If anything will help you deeply and for the rest of your life, than that's it!
Bert Hellinger has helped many millions of people around the globe, to understand deep and hidden patterns that are ruling their families and to untie what has been tied up for many generations of the same family.

Hugs

Keti Kit

aw what a horrible situation for you im not a parent or anything, but i know what its like to be a horrible teenager! i was a high achiever at school, but when i got home i was usually in a foul mood and bitter and resentful to my parents most of the time. what i really wanted was some love and affection, despite me acting like that was the uncoolest, most unwelcome thing ever (like your step-daughter)...which resulted in me not getting any, which made me worse! my brother and sister were good (like your other children) and not ungrateful swines like yours truly, so of course my parents were really nice to them, which also made me worse! it was a vicious circle that only broke when i left home for uni and started to appreciate them and vice versa. i can see a similar pattern with your step-daughter except shes had a much tougher life to contend with than me!

i think its easy to remember to give youngsters and good children affection, but its harder when theyre older and fiestier, especially when theyre doing their best to prove that they hate you! but i bet she really would love a mother figure, sounds like hers wasnt up to much. shes testing you and pushing you away and i can understand why, shes had a tough life and shes been abandoned by one mother figure after another (abusive biological mother, any other exes of your partner) and doesnt see why youd be any different. although she does probably feel some loyalty to these women as well, so theres another excuse for her to be a b***h to you.

i bet youre a fantastic mom and youve tried your hardest with her, i think its just a matter of time, and continuing what you have been doing: giving her love and affection, whether she wants it or not; not rewarding bad behaviour but going out of your way to say well done when she does something right, no matter how minor; just doing what youve done to bring up your own children so well. thanks to her bio mom, theres probably a lot of bad years to make up for and damage to try to heal


sorry for the wall of text, but i really feel for you and thought id offer my opinion for what its worth! i have to ask as well... how is your partner supporting you in this? if youre always the bad cop to his good cop, thats not going to help.

thanks lovelies...haybra in answer to your question my partner and i always maintain a united front...though to be honest nothing either of us say tends to make any difference, we have tried it from all angles...just him, just me both of us...but she just gives us a blank wall...she retreats so far into herself and just shuts down and shuts everyone else out. hard going when you want to make things better for everyone in the situation..thank for your kind words and thoughts. xxx

keti kit...thanks for the heads up hun...i will check out the link you posted straight away...thank you. xxx

matth...it is all so soap opera actually...but i dont think i could quite go as far as your suggestion thats not on the limited option list i have...but thanks anyway. xxxxx