Thread: *sob*

I'm having a really REALLY rubbish day :cry:
Anyone got anything funny to tell me? I need cheering up

DD x

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Oh huni that sucks Hope you feel better soon!

BTW im cr@p at funny so wont even go there! but sending you ciber hugs! :hug:

DD - these arrived in my inbox and gave me a laugh, hope they make you feel better too: AliX

Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.


Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got collara.'


Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


Ø The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.


Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


Ø I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'


Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'


Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Originally Posted by Delilah Dufoe

I'm having a really REALLY rubbish day :cry:
Anyone got anything funny to tell me? I need cheering up

DD x

Oh DD join the club I too am having a rubish day, Haven't gone to work cos My head hurts and my eye's are bad and the optician says I may be developing a cateract..ooooo I'm sure I'm too young for that...
Alix thank you for making me at least smile.... and chuckle :lol:
DTx

Little boy and little girl are stood in the bathroom in the nude waiting for mummy to lift them into the bath."Can I touch that?" Says the wee girl, "NO WAY...Look what you did to yours!!"


Then there was the ardent Crossdresser who goes for his 6 month check up at the docs. After the examination the doc says "Well Miss Jones, all I can find wrong with you is a slight case of bleeding piles". To which the CD squeels "Oh GOODY!!! I can wear Tampons now!!"


Little Billy catches mummy in bed with the plumber, the plumber is just about to start, plumber and mummy are NOT pleased at little Billies appearance. The plumber says to Billy "Do you kow where my big wooden hammer is Billy?" thinking, by the time Billy goes down stairs, walks past the cartoons on the telly, finds the tool bag, finds the hammer etc and so forth, him and Billies mummy will have had a good 20 minutes together......................Little Billy looks at the plumber and says..........."But....but.....WHy dontcha bang it wiv your bum like daddy does?"

Did you hear about the homosexual bandit? He rode into town and shot up the sherrif...............

A topical joke from a photographer :eyebrows: :eyebrows: :eyebrows:

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment?".

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted !!

Yes Deb, very droll.....................Giggle.


A bit like the guy going door to door selling linolium, he has a roll of it on his shoulder but had forgot to put his willy away and zip up after a wee, so, he bangs on 89 year old Mrs Jones door, when she answers him he says "Hi Missus, would you like a length of this stuffed up your lobby?"

My cousin Graham walks up to me mum yonks ago and says "Aunty Maureen, whats the quickest way from there to there?" pointing at my mums boobs............."INTER TITTY!!"

Then there was the CD who walks into the straight bar with the biggest Alsation you have ever seen! She goes up to the bar and orders Pink Fizz, the barman tells her to "F" of coz they don't serve that kind in the bar, so she keeps on at him for a drink and he is getting seriously irate and goes to throw her bodily from the pub. She shouts at the dog "GET HIM ROVER!!" The great big Alsation leaps the bar in one bound, pins the bar man against the wall with his massive front paws and snarls " Ah...Bowsey, wowsy, wowsy"........................

A Jock walks into a bar and orders a pint and a scotch, he pours the scotch into his top pocket and drinks the pint. The barman sees this but keeps quiet, again the Jock orders and again he does the same, finally the Jocks totally pissed and the barman just has to ask him why he did what he did, the Jocks grabs him by the throat and says "Mind yer ain effin business pal ur a wull kick yur heid in!" And this wee mouse pops up out of his top pocket and says "And that goes fur yer fukin cat as well!"

This guys got a Octopus that can play any musical instrument. He goes to a bar and challenges all comers. Every single time he wins the bet, this Octopus is brilliant at all musical instruments given to it to play........................Up the back of the pub is a wee Scotsman, he says to the guy "Aye, ah think ave goat a wee instrument yir Octopus wulny play mon". The guy bets all his winnings on this, the wee Scotsman comes back with a set of bagpipes. The Octopus looks at them, turns them round, pulls at them then finally, throws them over his shoulder to the floor in disgust so, the guy loses all his money.................Outside he is berating the poor Octopus, he says to it, "For effs sake!!! Why didn't you PLAY the effing thing!!!"........... "Play it? I was trying to get its knickers of!!"

Aww, sweetie, heres a cyber hug :hug: :hug:

Um, why dont you put your name in for the Secret Santa?? Or look at the swap shop thread? You're bound to have something that needs a new home and you could swap it for something pretty....:eyebrows:

New things in the post are always good!

Axx

Those jokes are so funny AliX! Hee hee!
Hope they made you smile DD!
x

I say I say I say, what's brown and sticky?

(if you said poo...)

Nope.....a stick, silly.

(if you said a stick....)

Nope.....it's poo, silly



Failing that.....would seeing Bagpuss doing a snow angel make you smile?: