Thread: Feeling very silly...

oh dear, yet another blooper in the saga of my relationship!
A few weeks ago, the fella make a comment about us never getting married (he's been there before and didn't enjoy it). This came as a shock to me as we have previously discussed such matters and I was under the impression that it was pretty much on the cards, within the next few years. I didn't say anything at the time as it was coming up to Xmas and i didn't want to rock the boat.
it's been eating away at me though so last night I broached the subject and was told, flat out, that he never wants to be 'trapped' by marriage again. Obviously i tried to reason that I'm not his ex wife and he's a different person now ( he married very young). He was having non of it.
now I feel like an idiot for several reasons.

1. i should have kept my mouth shut
2. now he thinks i'm a bunny boiler who is consumed by the idea of marriage
3. in this day and age, it shouldn't matter but to me, it really does!

Not only am i faced with the bigger questions about our relationship in general, but I'm also struggling with the slightly uncomfortable feeling and treading on eggshells which happens after such a discussion.
I'm feeling a bit poo all in all and just needed to vent.
Sorry peeps.
X

WARNING

Warning: This is an Old Thread This discussion is older than 60 days. information contained in it may no longer be current

Oh Cherry what a situation

There is a bigger question than this one though....

If he feels "trapped" by marriage, does he not want children either?

I think you really need to sit down and work out where this is going. If you dont want the same things from a relationship, it wont work and you cant force it.

He already has two children and doesn't want any more.
This took some getting used to, in the beginning, but i'm comfortable with our decision now.
I'm going away for 9 weeks, next week, and i don;t want to leave whilst things are still are still 'weird'.
X

Originally Posted by cherrypips

He already has two children and doesn't want any more.
This took some getting used to, in the beginning, but i'm comfortable with our decision now.
I'm going away for 9 weeks, next week, and i don;t want to leave whilst things are still are still 'weird'.
X

See now i dont understand how he is happy to have the biggest commitment of them all, but not get married?? MEN!!

It may do you some good to get away for a while - dont mention the matter further until you have come to a conclusion that you are happy with. If marriage is a big part of what you want, and there is no way of you BF wanting this - can you still have a happy and fulfilled relationship without getting what you want out of it?.....

Darling it sounds a bit like he wants it all on his terms. He has decided not to marry and he has decided not to have any more children. He doesn't seem to have factored your thoughts or feelings in. I wouldn't be worried about being seen as a bunny boiler or walking on eggshells, ultimately you need to get as much out of a relationship as he does, and right now it's his way or the highway. If you want to get married or have kids, it will eat you up if you stay with a man who doesn't. I would suggest not worrying about what he thinks - he seems slightly blinkered.

I have been in this situation before and the long and short of it is that I walked away, even though I loved him, as he was a selfish man and this was the icing on the cake.

Yeah, I think you're right. It will be good to get away for a bit. I'm going back to my home town for work, and will be with my wonderful support network, who i left to move here.
Hoping to do some classes too which will make me feel more myself and give me a bit more confidence to trust my own decisions... whatever they may be.
Thank you for your help.
And yes.... MEN !!!!
X

Hi Cherry. Only you can answer the questions in your mind sweetheart as for the other half, from a male point of view I would let him stew for a wee while. All men enjoy going into their self impossed "caves" and chill out with their own thoughts be they right or wrong.

I also would not bother with the eggshells either, go about your normal daily routine. But, maybe this nine weeks will show somethign up perhaps.


You could also drop the bomb on him and say that "As you don't want kids anymore, would it not be better for you to get the big V?". As has been said already, a relationship is a compromise betwixt TWO people, NOT one.

We aren't there but...........Do YOU want marriage? Do YOU want kids? Do YOU want all this by HIM?

Then again you COULD have had what happened to me in Wareham............After I had been here with Louise for around 4 months I casually asked her what would she say if I ever asked her to marry me. Let us say that was 9am on Monday, at 3pm on Tuesday I was told by a stranger how nice it was that Louise and I were engaged.....................Seems Louise had only gone and totally dismissed the "IF" part, had gone onto the "we ARE getting married" part that didn't exist, told her mum who promptly told every bugger in the town. I gets home to do a war dance over this and Lousie is sat sitting with her Great Grandma's seven and a half grand engagement ring on her left hand and a stupid grin on her face...............And people wonder why some races have wedding CONTRACTS!! It was all ok in the end as you all know but................................:wallbash:

Originally Posted by Alhandra

Darling it sounds a bit like he wants it all on his terms. He has decided not to marry and he has decided not to have any more children. He doesn't seem to have factored your thoughts or feelings in. I wouldn't be worried about being seen as a bunny boiler or walking on eggshells, ultimately you need to get as much out of a relationship as he does, and right now it's his way or the highway. If you want to get married or have kids, it will eat you up if you stay with a man who doesn't. I would suggest not worrying about what he thinks - he seems slightly blinkered.

I have been in this situation before and the long and short of it is that I walked away, even though I loved him, as he was a selfish man and this was the icing on the cake.

I totally agree with Alhandra here sweetie. He sounds very selfish to me and is not even considering what might make you happy. I would say (eeek!!!) walk away now - this is a good time to do it since you're going away anyway, and give him time to think. He might realise what a damn fool he is being and change his mind or at least open it up for discussion.

You have to think....in 10 years time will you be able to look back and NOT regret never having had children or getting married???????? If either or both of those things are what you REALLY want then you have to end it. There WILL be someone out there who wants to do those things with a glorious creature such as yourself.

Big love sweetie

kisses
PixieParasol

ps - I write my comments as practically an eternal singleton..........just maybe an optimistic one!!

Originally Posted by cherrypips

I feel like an idiot for several reasons.

1. i should have kept my mouth shut
2. now he thinks i'm a bunny boiler who is consumed by the idea of marriage
3. in this day and age, it shouldn't matter but to me, it really does!

Not only am i faced with the bigger questions about our relationship in general, but I'm also struggling with the slightly uncomfortable feeling and treading on eggshells which happens after such a discussion.
I'm feeling a bit poo all in all and just needed to vent.
Sorry peeps.
X

I have to add my voice because I've been in a relationship like this before. Here are the reasons why you SHOULD NOT feel like an idiot.
In a healthy, loving and equal relationship:

1. You should never feel like you can't say what's on your mind. They need to love you as you are for whatever you come out with.

2. Your partner should always be able to understand (even if they don't agree with) the things you want from life and the things that make you happy. Additionally they should be able to have a balanced conversation about it without completely dismissing what makes their partner happy.

3. In this day and age, marriage is still an outward side of an internal commitment between two people. It is also a beautiful moment and milestone in anyone's life who chooses to recognise it.

What exactly does he feel trapped by in marriage that isn't part of a long-term defacto relationship already? Is there something that he's allowed to do that he wouldn't be allowed to if you had the contract?

My ex's stance was similar and vaguely translated to 'I'm terrified of the idea of being with you forever.'

You deserve a bit more understanding and compromise out of your relationship. If marriage and children is important to you as it is for many modern girls, then a loving partner should consider that.

I hope your break gives you time to think over it and get the love and support you deserve!

xx:hug:

Sound advice too Bella. Maybe it would be nice to get some male input on this topic!!! Come on guys, we are interested in your opinion too????

kisses
PixieParasol