Thread: Not a nice subject, but....

Hi all, forgive me for the nature of this topic but i am having a huge life change at the moment due to being diagnosed with bowel cancer and need some help....

So far i'm dealing with it ok and have had the odd cry when i'm alone and there's nobody around, but my problem is this....

My mum, most of my friends and in fact one person who i was particularly close to have all switched off from me. Is this simply because they dont know what to say, or that they think by talking ot me about it they will upset me?

It seems that some people are thinking that i should be a total mess and the fact that i'm not is really bothering them.
Dont get me wrong, inside i'm probably not dealing with it that well, but i cant bring myself to get all upset and turn to emotional mush.
I have my first round of biopsies in a few weeks and i'm hoping people will have dealt with it enough by then..but in the mean time, do i carry on as normal or do i push them into talking to me about it?

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Hi Ladee Jane.

So sorry to hear your news, my Gran was diagnosed in October with cancer in her chest so I know how your friends and family must be feeling right now. I also kinda think I know how you must be feeling too, when something really major happens in your life and no one knows how to cope or speak to you about it you can end up feeling really alone.

The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to them and tell them how you feel, they're probably just really unsure what to say to you right now.

I wish you all the best with your treatment and please keep us updated with how you're doing.

Mizz Kitty xxx

Hiyah, so sorry to hear your news, but it's good that it has been diagnosed and that treatment is on the way.

I suspect that your Mum and your friends really don't know what the best thing to say to you is.....the word 'cancer' still has a very peculiar effect on some people.

But you need their support, and possibly you need to let them know that you haven't become a fragile creature that could be upset at any moment - communication is always the best thing, if you can I would talk to each of them face to face and say yes, you might cry when talking about it.....but you really need them and say exactly what you need from them - if you want them to just carry on as normal, tell them - I suspect they will do anything to help you as they love you, but you need to not only help them to talk to you but say it's a real way that they can help.

I'm sure it's just because they're just so shocked and not wanting to upset you - and telling them "talk to me!" is definitely better and more pro-active than you also being wary of upsetting them. You need them and yes, ideally they should be there for you without having to be told, but sometimes people get scared and you have to tell them that you are still Laydee Jane (or the name they know you by ) and you're not a different person just because you have cancer.

Big big hugs darling and don't ever worry about talking about 'not nice subjects' here....I suspect within the whole spectrum of people who use these forums there will definitely be others who have either been through this or have friends/relations who have :hug::hug:

Good luck with the treatment

what an awful start to 2009!

what is your prognosis?

im glad to hear you are dealing with this so well - shame those around you arent but stress/upset can often bring out the worst in people!

TALK - sit these people down and say this is what YOU need - right now you have to be selfish -it is the only way you will cope - do what YOU need to do - others needs can be addressed when you are over this.

i say 'when you are over this' cos my dad was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer 3 years ago - i was distraught as i'd only lost my mother to lung cancer 5 years previously - however after a couple of ops and some rather yucky treatment my dad is now totally cancer free - he DOES now have a colostomy bag (which has a tendency to trump at inopportune moments!) but thats better than the alternative...

as one very intelligent person once said 'shit happens'

stay positive hun - the big 'c' doesnt mean the end and its an ideal opportunity to really stengthen your relationships

best of luck

xxx:twothumbs:

Thank you both. Its just a very strange time at the moment, i seem to have lost some of my friends at the very mention of the "C word" and those who are still around are waiting with baited breath for me to collapse in to a heap.
I dont doubt the heap collapsing is on its way, but i'm moving house this weekend and was back in work the very next day after finding out so i suspect once i'm settled and in my new place with some head space it will definately happen.

My main worry is my mum. Her dad passed away from cancer and there have been more than a few scares/operations/diagnosed conditions on her side of the family.
It seems to me that she's pretending its not happening.
Each time i try to talk to her i'm met with "i dont know anything about this sort of thing, i cant help you"

I'm beginning to think that maybe i shouldnt talk about it at all?

Hey, Sorry to hear your news and I wish you all the best with your treatment
:hug:

I actually work with Cancer patients and their families and what you describing feeling yourself and how your friends and relatives are re-acting is incredibly common.

Lots of people still find the word 'cancer' really hard to deal with and will often 'switch off' as they dont want to upset you or they dont know how to act. Talk to them and tell them and explain as best you can how you feel, say you understand they might not know what to say but there is no right thing, they just need to be there for you.

As for you not being a total mess, people have different coping strategies, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this, just your own way.

A good website is: Cancerbackup online: cancer information, support & resources : Cancerbackup
They talk about cancer treatments and living with cancer. They have books available about coing with cancer and ones specifically for relatives about coping when a loved one has cancer. You can order them from the website or your hospital should have a cancer information services dept who can provide you with literature like this and point you in the way of support groups or counselling if you feel you need it.

I hope some of this is helpful to you.
Take care mon ami

Lady LenaX

Apologies for double posting...

Mizz, i'm sorry to hear about your gran, i'm sending all the love and support both she and your family need right now.

Miss Snappy O'Shea, the prognosis at the moment rests on a few things. I have my first round of biopsies to be taken in the next week or so and then the scans to figure out how much there is and an operation will clear it totally.
I'm a little in limbo at the moment to be honest, as while i know its there i'm unsure as to how they want to treat it.

Tempest, you are probably right. I think most of them are in shock and just arent sure how to deal with me. Usually i wear my heart on my sleeve, both sleeves actually..and occasionally as a hat (emotional to say the least) but with this, i seem to have reverted to the total opposite. I think maybe i am a little in shock too....

No you should definitely talk - you need to be selfish in a self-preserving sort of way about this.

Yes, keeping busy possibly is keeping you 'sane' at the mo - but the danger is that when you stop, things hit you and if you have no support then that could be very difficult.

If your Mum says she can't help you with this, tell her actually she's wrong - she can be a tremendous help (flattery often works wonders and you're not lying - she can be a huge help) tell her 'but all I need Mum is someone to talk things through with, I need you to be a kind listening ear - I really really need some support, and you're great at this' - be persistent that you need someone just to have the occasional rant to, to let off steam, just to talk things through to try and make some sense of them.

If you can, you need to 'fight' with your Mum and close friends for your right to be heard and for them to listen to you.

You need them....please don't give up and feel all alone if the downtimes hit you.

Has your GP told you about any cancer support groups in your area for further info. and friendly ears?

Without going into it all too much i get where you are coming from regarding talking about it. The best thing to do I found was to talk about it over a coffee whilst you are comfortable in at home. She is scared witless that her daughter is ill and she can do nothing to help. As a mother this is so very painful for you. I think she feels subconsciously that if she doesnt talk about it/ignore it...then her baby girl isnt ill.
She is trying to get around it in her own head. Perhaps you should jsut ask for a hug right now. Eventually the curtain will lift and she will open up.

I hope with all the will in the world that this fight is short and you make a recovery. It is a trying time but never once forget that you can do it. You can beat it. Cancer is not a life sentence. You are a powerful human being! xxx

My worry is that if i force her to talk to me, she wont be able to talk to me properly if that makes sense?
We're usually such an open pair and talk about everything but at the moment she's totally switched off from me...i feel very much like i cant even bring it up.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my docs to get some info about local support, not sure if i'll use the facilities but its nice to know its there if i need to.

Everything rests on the biopsy day really...thats the day that determines if the treatment will be aggressive and involve chemo etc...